Home is where the heart is
by geradsredskittle666
Summary: AU version of The Return (Season 3, Ep 10). When the ancients return to reclaim Atlantis, the Atlantis teams are sent back to Earth (only they don't get to return). Rodney doesn't take it well. Pairings: Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/ Rodney friendship, SG1/AR1 friendship. Warnings: suicide, self harm, depression.
1. Chapter 1

Home is where the heart is.

Disclaimer: I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.

Pairings: Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/ Rodney friendship, SG1/AR1 friendship,

Warnings: suicide, self harm, depression.

AN: AU version of The Return (Season 3, Ep 10)

The Atlantis teams had returned home. Well "home" as in their original galaxy, their original planet, the countries they had grown up in, the cities they had lived before Atlantis. But it was far from home in a much more important sense...Atlantis was where their heart was. Atlantis had become home. They hated to leave but they knew they had to at least act strong. Tears would be for behind closed doors and only shared with the closest of friends.

Rodney had left for "home" immeaditly, having already said his goodbyes in the privacy Atlantis offered. John had expected it of course but he still worried. He resolved to call Rodney later that night. He instinctively thought off going over to Rodney's with offering of beer and the friendship of his team...then realised sadly that his "team" was two short. Both Teyla and Ronon had stayed behind on the Athosian settlement. He shook off the feelings of guilt and sadness.

Zelenka hovered nervously, not exactly part of John's team but still wanting to express how sorry he was. Even though he knew it was not his fault...still he wanted to offer some comfort.

Quickly Elizabeth realised that her role of Atlantis's leader wasn't over in one sense. Being relieved of command was one thing, but she still had a duty of care for her teams. She felt a sense of loss but buried it for now. "I'm sure things will work out. I mean the airforce will find us new jobs, we can stay in contact...might even get to relax without worrying about wraith or replicator attacks!" she joked. It was no joking matter and they all knew that, but it had the desired effect. Shepherd smiled, Zelenka laughed nervously and Rodney seemed to relax slightly.

They would slay that beast in the comfort of their "home".

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Rodney yelped as he ran into the door of his unit, long abandoned. He grumbled to himself, before reaching to turn his communication device on.

Quickly he realised what he was doing and how crazy he must look. Of course his door wouldn't open at his mere thought. This was not Atlantis. That thought only amplified the hollow feeling he had felt since leaving his home. He pulled out his keys and quickly opened the door. He didn't need people talking so soon...

The place was as he had left it, sheets covering his furniture. It had been cleaned regularly and regularly maintained. He heard a knock on his door.

His neighbour was standing there, holding a cat carrier with a frantic cat inside. Rodney smiled an honest smile. "Thanks for everything..." he said before reaching for the carrier. Once freed the animal turned expectantly to him, loving affection clear.

Rodney softened. The cat jumped into his arms, purring loudly. Only after his cat was assured that Rodney wasn't leaving again, did the animal leave to explore again.

One by one the Atlantis personnel received their new assignments. Carson was to help the SGC medical staff. John had been given his own team. Zelenka had been returned to his own country and was working for his government in some secret compacity. Probably on top secret technology for the military.

Rodney had been asked to remain behind to help the SGC scientists, before being shipped off to Area 51 of course. Luckily Sam had requested him, hopefully a familiar face would make this easier for him...

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Rodney settled in Sam's lab, working on reverse engineering some Gould device.

Sam had been watching him curiously. She was amazed by his work (though she would never say that out loud) but that was only part of the reason why...Rodney hadn't spoken in hours, nor had he been his arrogant self either.

In fact he seemed quiet and withdrawn, throwing himself into his work. Maybe it was nothing...maybe he was just adjusting to having his home so suddenly taken away. After all 48hrs was not that much time to say goodbye to his home and the second half of his team...his family. She tried to ignore the bad feeling she had. When he finally spoke, it made her jump. His voice echoing in the quiet room. "What was that?" she asked.

He huffed annoyed. "I was saying: do you ever wonder what your legacy is going to be? I mean when your dead...what will they remember you for? Your family, your country, your friends?" he said wistfully.

Sam frowned. Where was this coming from? "Wow, your cheerful! I'd rather focus more on when I'm living." she replied easily.

He shrugged and went back to his work.

Still she felt worried. "Are you okay? If you want to talk about Atlantis-" she offered worriedly before he interrupted sharply. "-Is that why I'm here? Because if I'm here so you can keep on eye on me, forget it! I'll take my chances in Area 51!"he snapped.

She was caught off guard, though quickly recovered. "Of course not. I just wanted to make sure you were okay. How are you progressing so far?" she quickly excused.

He warily looked her over before relaxing again. "I have some ideas..." he said showing her his work.

She looked over the work approvingly. "We still need a power source..."she said.

After that outburst, he remained moody when speaking about anything other than his work. It wasn't hard to see he was upset, yet she knew better than to pry. Maybe she should speak to John...

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Daniel found Rodney a few days later eating in the mess hall. Though "eating" seemed to be the wrong word for it...rather pushing his food around like fussy toddler.

"Hey, hows everything going?" he asked the scientist. Truth be told he was worried. Maybe he should wait a few days before telling Sheppard...if Rodney was merely adjusting, why cause such a fuss?

Rodney glared at him. Clearly communicating something between the scale of "mind your own business" and "fuck off".

"I take it things are going well with Sam? She tells me you guys have been making progress..." he tried again.

This time Rodney seemed more receptive. "I suppose. We figured out how to work some of the gould technology. Its something at least..."he said, fading off wistfully.

"Nothing like what Atlantis offered you, I'll bet" Daniel continued.

Rodney seemed to pause but didn't get moody. "No, nothing that exciting...not that any job could compare...still not as boring as it could be" he replied with a small smile.

The smile was a step in the right direction. There was a moment of silence, McKay still pushing around his food as if determined not to eat it. "Are you gonna eat that or mash it to death?" Daniel joked.

Rodney looked up, as if surprised out of his thoughts. "Oh, Sam insisted that power bars are not real food and that I should at least try to eat something real." he said shrugging.

Sam insisting on real food? Sam often went hours before even thinking of anything but her work...Jack often had to drag both of them away to eat proper food! His fact must have shown this.

Rodney shrugged again "Apparently 3 days is her limit" he commented.

Three days? Was McKay trying to pass out? His condition required him to eat often...that was usually an easy task too!

"Jacks worse. Trust me, you wouldn't believe what a mother hen he can be!" Daniel shared quietly, hoping to make Rodney less uncomfortable.

It worked. "John too. He tries to act tough but when it comes down to it..." Rodney shared back, before sighing sadly.

"You have a lot of memories of Atlantis, huh?" Daniel replied calmly.

Rodney seemed lost in memories, smiling to himself. "Yeah, he saved me more times than I have been able to repay...I didn't know what to make of him at first. His kind usually don't talk to geeks or be so keen to shoot us..."

"Sorry?" Daniel asked.

"We were testing a personal shield. He threw me off the railing too. You should have seen Elizabeth's face when we told her it wasn't the first time!" Rodney shared grinning.

Daniel thought it would have looked a lot like the look he was giving Rodney now. Still he was relieved to see him smiling. Rodney got up to leave "Thanks" he said before he was gone...taking his mushed up food to the bin...

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The next day, Sam and Rodney started work on some ancient device. She realised that Rodney was awfully quiet...she looked up surprised to see him asleep, his head on the desk. He looked peaceful so she left him to rest. He looked like he needed it!

She wasn't sure how much time had passed but she heard a knock. It was John, he had been away the last few days off world. He looked anxious and determined.

She smiled and motioned for him to keep quiet. "His sleeping." she whispered.

On cue, he seemed to sense John was there, whimpering quietly to himself. John ran a hand through his teammates hair muttering "Sleep. I'm here."

Sam looked amazed as Rodney calmed instantly. John merely smiled, taking his jacket off and placing it around McKay's sleeping form, who buried his nose in the collar of the jacket at once.

John grinned lazily, looking calmer now. "Hows he been? I expect he hasn't slept all that well but thats to be expected. Its hard to sleep without her ambience in your head."

Sam must have looked confused, he explained it. "Atlantis is just so...alive. You feel her in your head. Its comforting in a way. I expect all us Atlantis crew are used to it." he explained softly.

"He has been as expected. Hardly sleeping, throwing himself into his work...he does forget to eat but that may simply be part of his adjusting back to earth...his not saying much to me." she explained worriedly.

John nodded. "Of course. I'll keep an eye on him. Could be nothing or..." he paused uneasily. Sure this could just be nothing but it could be signs of much worse.

Both looked up to see Daniel at the door. Sam relaxed, grinning. "Come in, I need you to translate some ancient for me."

John quickly left, needing to shower and settle after his mission.

Daniel looked over the sleeping McKay.

As if reading his mind, Sam said "He needs the sleep."

"Its not a good time for him to get sick..."he commented concerned.

"Sick?" Sam asked.

"His shivering, probably feverish too. Could just be run down..." he explained as if it should have been obvious.

When she looked herself, she kicked herself for not noticing. Letting him work himself into sickness?

"Most likely. His been working hard the last few days..." she commented uneasily.

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When Rodney woke again, Daniel and Sam were talking quietly. Only 2 hours had passed.

Sam grinned at him. "Feeling better? You were out pretty good!" she asked.

He took a few moments to wake properly. He pasted on a fake half asleep smile. "I guess I really must have been tired!" he exclaimed.

"You didn't miss much. Daniel was helping me translate. I didn't want to disturb your sleep." she said casually.

He merely smiled and pulled John's jacket over himself with a content smile. For a moment he looked sad but it passed quickly.

AN: R and R!


	2. Chapter 2

**Home is where the heart is.**

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.

 **Pairings:** Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/ Rodney friendship, SG1/AR1 friendship,

 **Warnings:** suicide, self harm, depression.

 **AN:** AU version of The Return (Season 3, Ep 10)

START

Rodney wrapped John's jacket around him, breathing in his friends scent. It was comforting. It was a reminder he was not totally alone. Sure he had Sam and Daniel. Even Hammond seemed to warm to him. Maybe he just felt sorry for him.

Still even having Elizabeth and Zelenka was something. But it was not the same.

His "team" was split. Even worse, he had no way of contacting the team he left behind. Of course "team" was not strong enough a word. They had become brothers and sisters – the unlikely warrior and hero (himself), his even more unlikely friend, the tough older brother (of course that was Ronon), and the terrifying sister (Teyla). They were family. They were merely one, a strong whole made up of stronger units. Together they were...what was more than family? Could human words even express such a bond?

Probably not.

He was missing them.

Even John had been gone these last few days...of course such a capable leader had been given a team. And important missions. That was the way of things. Even he had been scheduled to work again in his older posts of top secret research. Area 51 and the like.

Could he still do it? Physically of course, it would be mere child's play after his Atlantis work. Atlantis was one of the few places he had actually needed to think, where he had been genuinely unsure of the answers. Where he had felt genuine elation at his discoveries…

Now he would be bored. That was a fate worse than death. Even projects on alien artefacts would bore him eventually. Was this the limit of what the world could offer him? The extent of knowledge? That was truly depressing.

Maybe he could play soldier again? Though in the eyes of the SGC, he was a scientist. Only John had seen differently, with Elizabeth finding out along the way. But he was "too important to risk". He had heard it before. To the SGC he was merely a tool. Hammond made him feel like he was useful as a person, but to the government that gave him his orders? He _was_ just a tool.

So without his career what was his life goal? Sure he could stay and be bored. He could go private and make millions. He was sure his email was full of offers by now. It usually was.

That would not fulfil him. Working with his team had been different. He had struggled to adjust (resulting in quite a few fights with Sheppard) but he had accepted he was a unit now, not an individual. He had learned to play fair with others. He discovered that they had his back. That they supported him. They listened and did what he asked. Hell, even the Atlantis marines had listened. Usually military types laughed at him, until he flashed his clearance badge or their own leaders told them off harshly. Then they did so out of resentment. Occasionally "accidents" happened that _couldn't possibly_ be the soldiers fault!

His team...Atlantis...Elizabeth...it had all been different. They were his friends. Something he rarely said. They were his family. That was something he had not understood before Atlantis.

To be honest? He didn't know what to do, what he should feel, what he should think or where his Earth days should be spent. That was unsettling. He was so sure. Now, he felt fragile, like glass or like a mere child.

Someone was speaking to him...Elizabeth was looking at him strangely. "Maybe you should see MacKenzie?" she offered.

He glared back. He didn't need words. None of the Atlantis crew needed words. The closest of them could use a mere glance and it was more than words could even say. Like the way Zelenka's eyes would flit ever so briefly to his own, it meant that Zelenka had something but needed his help to fully form the idea. To smooth the kinks. To take it from amazing to truly brilliant. Or the was the marines would ever so slightly nod to him in the halls, a silent salute to his deeds saving their lives.

Now the look was saying: _I'll sort this on my own._

And he would, one way or another. With that he left.

He heard the former leader of Atlantis sigh. _Fine you stubborn man, but don't take too much time. We still need you._

Heightmeyer hovered nervously, frowning. Her eyes flickered over to Elizabeth's. _Are you sure leaving him alone is the right idea?_

Elizabeth frowned, looking to the floor, before her confidence returned to her eyes again. _Nope, but I hope so!_

She spotted Sheppard leaving in the same direction. "John? Can you -" she was cut off.

"-check on him? Where else would I be going?" he said as if it was obvious. He rolled his eyes, taking his leave.

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John searched the halls, finding only SGC personnel. Still he followed some vague sense of direction that seemed right. Like a blood hound following a scent, though what "scent" he was following was not entirely clear. When he stopped outside Daniel's office, he heard sobbing. Rodney.

He didn't bother knocking, startling the two men. Rodney relaxed when he saw who it was.

Rodney was crying openly, Daniel at his side offering comforts. The pair had been talking it seemed. John quickly took his spot next to Rodney. He smiled seeing Rodney still in his jacket.

"Did you ever lose anyone? Not like a parent" Rodney said offhandedly. "Someone that mattered" he finished sincerely.

"Of course, we all have here. Its part of the job."Daniel replied, forgetting the remark on parents for a moment.

"Yeah" John agreed stiffly.

"Did you ever want to be with them again?" Rodney asked wistfully.

John felt his insides freeze. Rodney wouldn't...would he? Would he "join those he lost"?

Daniel smiled softly. "Yeah, quite often when I lost my wife. And then her son. My son." he admitted softly.

"Why didn't you?" Rodney asked, sounding far away.

"Er...not sure exactly. Mostly Jack. He refused to leave me alone. I was angry with him of course. He just kept cooking for me and watching me sleep. Pretty sure most of the food was thrown at him instead. Still by the end of it." Daniel shrugged.

"Not Sam or T'ealc?"

"Sam mostly just cried and wouldn't let me go. T'ealc would say his strange sayings. Sounded like riddles most of the time." Daniel said shrugging again.

"It worked?"

"Yeah" Daniel sounded greatful now. "What about you?"

Rodney looked uncertain, painfully so. "I don't know. I just don't know!" he exclaimed frustratedly. Daniel seemed to predict this, simply muttering "I know."

Rodney giggled, startling John and certainly worrying him!

"Why don't you try sleeping?" Daniel asked, managing to keep the concern from his voice.

"Can't" Rodney muttered stubbornly.

"Why don't you try? I'm sure you can now." Daniel said gently, before turning to John. "Take him to his quarters." he said softly, though worried.

AN: R and R as usual. Next chapter soon.


	3. Chapter 3

**Home is where the heart is.**

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.

 **Pairings:** Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/ Rodney friendship, SG1/AR1 friendship,

 **Warnings:** suicide, self harm, depression.

 **AN:** AU version of The Return (Season 3, Ep 10)

 **START**

Rodney woke feeling better than he had for a while. How long had it been since he has been permitted a long proper sleep? Atlantis seemed to always require her saviour, her helper. Her guardian angel.

John arrived just as he had finished dressing in his new uniform, the uniform of Stargate Command. The feel of the fabric was so different – course unlike his blue uniform on Atlantis. As he checked himself in the mirror, he felt the hollow feeling of loss. Of missing something he once loved. No Atlantis patch. No team patch. It wasn't enough. He realised with a resounding sense of clarity. It wasn't enough. What could he do if it was never enough?

Still he smiled for John. He was feeling in a better mood. He did feel more energised. He did feel hungry. This would need to be enough for John. It was all he had to give.

They made it to the mess hall in silence. Thankfully a table was spare. John seemed pleased to see Rodney acting more himself. Rodney had half filled his plate. It was more than he had eaten in days, it was still less than usual. Still Sheppard had learned one thing pretty quickly. You took what victories you could with the stubborn scientist. If you tried to force Rodney into any action, you would only get a wall of silence. This could last weeks if it was bad enough.

Sheppard looked up when he saw Sam and Daniel approaching. He grinned, signalling that it was fine to join their table. Thankfully no one mentioned last night. It was better to look forward. Not remind the proud scientist of his embarrassing 'failing'.

It wasn't tense or even unpleasant. Daniel made jokes and Rodney laughed. Sam talked about some new artefact until even Daniel looked confused. Rodney looked thoroughly engaged however. Sheppard relaxed, some of his worry now gone. Even Sam looked less worried.

He had believe Rodney was getting better, that this _was_ Rodney getting better. He didn't want to face any other option...he couldn't. It would kill him. Perhaps literally.

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They all went off to their assigned duties for the day. Sheppard was heading to a briefing on his next mission when Carson stopped him.

"How is the lad? I heard he was in quite the state." the friendly doctor asked. His tone may have been almost jolly but John didn't miss the worried look in his eyes. John relaxed some of his mask, showing some of his worry for his friend. Though SGC personnel would not be able to tell. Carson could read the Atlantis crew like a book, even before he had their trust.

"He seems better now. I guess...I mean his eating and smiling, even laughing. Hopefully that's a good sign." Sheppard commented in a deceptively calm tone. "He must be improving" he said with so much false hope it was painful for Carson to hear.

"Maybe. I'll speak to him later." Carson said warily. Carson knew better than to lie. John cared for Rodney like a brother. Pretending everything was okay would only frustrate John. Truth was better than lies, even the pathetic half truth Carson was offering now was better.

John frowned. He barely stopped himself from growling, instead grabbing Carson's arm. The doctor looked surprised but merely gave him a probing look, used to an angry Sheppard in his infirmary. "Maybe?" John repeated not hiding his concern.

Carson looked nervous. "Sometimes right before a suicide, loved ones report that the victim acted fine. More than fine, happy even." he explained sounding clinically detached. John understood why. John didn't want to think of Rodney that way, Carson was his friend too. John felt a rush of anger at that thought...didn't Carson consider Rodney human? Worth his concern? Still logically John knew, that was exactly why Carson had to detach himself!

"You think his acting?" John asked harsher than he intended. John for his part, winced at the tone and gave the doctor an apologetic half smile.

Carson sighed, understanding perfectly. "With that lad you never know" he simply replied, offering as much truth as he could. He smiled reassuringly, "I'll speak to him later. Don't fret." he assured.

John nodded stiffly and let go of Carson's arm. John pushed down the guilt at the bruise left behind, he hadn't meant to hurt anyone in his anger.

Carson gave him a smile. _I understand you were angry and I don't hold it against you._

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Carson was on his way to the infirmary when he ran into someone else. Daniel. The archaeologist was carrying a very old looking book under his arm ( _seriously_ old- like bound in material with the spine barely holding on). He was frowning. He was thinking. As if trying to assess something he had little data on...looking miles away, only blinking into awareness after colliding with Carson. Carson watched with a half smile as Daniel inspected the book, looking relieved at the lack of damage.

"You alright, Lad?" Carson asked kindly.

Daniels head shot up, only just realising the reason for the fall. "Books fine. Ah...you?" he asked somewhat awkwardly.

Carson shook his head. "I wasn't asking the book." he said with an amused smile.

Daniel merely gave him an odd look.

"Dr Carson Beckett, Atlantis...formerly Atlantis" he introduced himself. He ignored the pang of loneliness at the idea of being "formerly Atlantis". It was wrong. So very wrong.

"Dr Daniel Jackson, not the medical kind, I uh study cultures and translate." he said stiffly, as if not used to introducing himself.

"Well I'm helping your Janet, fine doctor she is. Until Stargate Command sends me elsewhere, or just gets rid of me..." he said shrugging.

"I doubt they would do that, you have worked in another galaxy! If your not qualified to patch us up, who is?" Daniel replied easily, so very confident.

"Aye" Carson agreed. "I wanted to find you anyway, I wanted to ask you something, privately." he asked .

Daniel nodded, leading the way.

The office was messy, almost every surface covered in books and papers, notes strewn everywhere. Only his artefacts were carefully stored and cared for, not even dusty. Currently a stone tablet was on his desk, Ancient writing on it. Carson could make out most of it. Most of the Atlantis crew could, some could even read Wraith.

"You want to know about Rodney?" Daniel asked suddenly, his sharp eyes trained on the doctor.

Carson was surprised but quickly got down to business. "Yes" he confirmed grimly.

"Then you know how smart he is, that you should not underestimate him or consider the problem from only one view." Daniel offered.

"Aye, though if he wants to do something, not even a shipful of wraith could stop him" Carson commented, joking grimly.

Daniel nodded. "You need to act quick then" he simply said in a worried voice.

"Did he say something to you?" Carson asked, praying this was all nothing.

"We both know its what isn't said thats the most important. He said he feels Atlantis as deeply as a loss of someone that mattered. She is rumoured to be at least partially sentient after all. What he didn't say is that he feels Atlantis is his home and family." Daniel assessed.

Carson nodded. "Aye. Thats true. How can we tell apart his grief from his depression?" he asked, mostly to himself.

Daniel shook his head. "Your missing something. He is not as simple as that. You must ask instead: why does he consider Atlantis his home? What does family mean to him?" he corrected.

"Well we can't have all the answers!" Carson said frustratedly. "Atlantis has people who accepted him for who he is, without changing his difficult nature by force. He became a better person on his own. As for family, he doesn't talk much about them. Never sends messages or celebrates them like us. Apart from his sister but he was estranged from her for years. He talk to John more than anyone else. Radek too." he spoke thinking.

"No wonder his upset, his losing the one place that accepts him. Do you really think the SGA keeps him around for his wonderful personality?" Daniel asked sarcastically.

Carson glared. "You don't know him. Get past that 'wonderful personality' and you see a caring, kind man who wants nothing more than his friends safe, at any cost." he snapped.

"Exactly. Imagine how it feels for him to have to return back to that?" Daniel asked softly. "What does he have now?"

"He has his family. We may be further apart but we are still his family!" exclaimed Carson.

"Of course, though 'further apart' could mean across the world by now. Or across the galaxy." reasoned Daniel.

"Yeah" Carson said in a soft resigned tone.

"You haven't asked me if I think he would actually do it. Actually kill himself." Daniel spoke, almost unable to finish his words.

Carson looked up "We both know why. We both know he would, now more than ever. I am preparing myself to" he paused, looking away painfully. "I know I may see his body. I know I maybe saving him" he paused again, longer this time. Daniel had his soft blue eyes locked with Carson's own. "I may be too late. I may have…" this time Carson forced the words out "lost him". He spoke with a strength he didn't feel, but also with an unquestionable certainty.

Daniel always seemed to know what to say in this type of situation, a strong contrast to his usual lack of social graces. "Then lets visit him" he said with an unquestionable certainty. He would offer his strength to Carson and Carson would offer his medical knowledge and the confidence that afforded him.

Carson, who hated taking orders, found himself agreeing. Following this command. He quickly contacted John, who informed him that Rodney was no where to be found. Cold settled in his stomach...he found the current address of Rodney… every fibre of his being was telling him to run. To get to Rodney. Every beat of his heart urged him forward in a strange beat, his worried thoughts providing the lyrics to this tune.

 **AN:** R and R. I'll leave you with this evil cliffy...


	4. Chapter 4

**Home is where the heart is**

 **Disclaimer:** I do not own Stargate SG1 or Stargate Atlantis or any of its characters or other property. I write only to entertain not never make profit from this work or any of my other works.

 **Pairings:** Rodney/ Sheppard friendship, Sam/Rodney friendship, Daniel/ Rodney friendship, SG1/AR1 friendship,

 **Warnings:** suicide, self harm, depression.

 **AN:** AU version of The Return (Season 3, Ep 10)

 **START**

 **Rodney POV**

It would be easy, laughably so...even to make it look accidental. No one would know for sure! The clumsy flighty genius could be _so stupid_...right?

Still he always had a flair for the dramatic? That is what they said about him, in not so kind terms.

So we would give them drama.

Something to talk about!

That was what small minds were good at. Needless chatting about useless topics. Well this would send the SGC rumour mill into overdrive!

He reached for the knife instinctively, its cold metal was familiar and comforting. It would be okay. The knife would make things okay.

He would belong somewhere. He would be find a use or just simply cease to be. Either way, what else was his options?

He _could not_ just carry on. Maybe John could, but John had always been so much more. John was strong. John was handsome. John could have had any lady he wanted, aliens included. John was a good captain of his team. Firm when needed but also kind and eager to teach. John was made for this life. He knew it.

But himself? Surely not. Even if he had proved of some worth, it was minimal at best. He was not made to be a soldier. He was a scientist, one that had found his true home.

Then lost it.

He had finally found people that loved him for who he was. For his abrasive personality that often kept people out, actually drew them in. Someone saw something lovable in him. That was a first.

He had finally experienced what a "family" was and he wanted in. They were even patient as he explored this, and finally took a chance. It was worth it.

Even now when it hurt so much, he would have never changed a thing. They would be so upset...and worse Teyla and Ronan would never find out. They would assume he had a decent life in his world and thats it. Was that better than the truth? Maybe.

He suddenly wished that he had written a letter for his family. He had dismissed the idea as too dramatic. Now he wished he could write it all down, let them know exactly what he was feeling so they knew.

He allowed himself to cry, a rare event, but a dying mans last wish had to be granted. He picked up his knife with resolve. It had to be now...

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The scene was something from a nightmare. Rodney was laying far too still and far too pale, with far too much blood pooled around his wrists. He was deathly pale.

Carson immediately switched to 'doctor mode'. He found his supplies and leaned by the near dead Rodney.

Daniel POV

The sight of the body makes me feel sick. The smell of blood hits me and I feel dizzy. At once I remember all the rest of the times members of my team were in similar situations, hopelessly dying without a chance in the universe.

So much blood.

Too much blood!

Far too much blood.

He is calling my name but I can't respond. I can't. I won't. I just can't go near that body! I will refuse. I must refuse. What can I do?

"Breathe lad! In and out, you need to calm your breathing!" he says softly yet urgently. I feel his hands on my back and it takes sometime but I manage a breath. Fresh air feels wonderful and my dizziness fades to tiredness.

I am suddenly aware I am wrapped in a blanket. Why do I feel so cold?

He smiles encouragingly. "You will be fine. Just take it easy. They are on their way." he offers kindly.

"Is he..." I struggle to ask.

Carson smiles relieved. "We got to him in time. Rodney is stable but he needs more help than I can give him for now." he says.

I relax. Good. I will not lose him.

The next time I wake I am in a familiar place. Janet comes over to my bed. "Feeling better?" she asks concerned.

I frown, why am I here? Its Rodney that was hurt! Wait...Rodney! I force myself up but she pushes me back down. As expected I struggle and glare at her. She merely sighs. "Calm yourself or I will have no choice!" she orders sharply. A nurse by her side has a needle and a bottle in her hands.

I weigh my options.

I settle but keep glaring at her. She nods satisfied. "Dr McKay will be fine. Physically anyway. You can see him when I am satisfied you are okay" she says and I glare back but allow her access.

From what I can see from here, he looks to be resting. It reassures me. There seems to be a crowd gathered, waiting dutifully for us. I smile when I see my team among the waiting former Atlantis crew. Everyone looks so anxious yet seems to know that we are both more or less okay. Still some of the ones who were closer to Rodney look quite upset.

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Carson prepared himself, speaking to distressed loved one was never easy. They tended to do less listening and more demanding. He should be used to it but at least he was prepared.

"Dr McKay will be receiving visitors now. I will allow up to two at a time, arrange yourselves. And please, give him his space." he ordered. They seemed to accept the news.

John and Elizabeth were first. There was no contest for who was first. John was the closest thing anyone knew Rodney had to family.

John ignored everyone else, to no ones surprise. He did nothing to hide his concern, to hide his fear or his pain.

Rodney POV:

I feel a knot of guilt when I see John. He has been crying and I recognise that look. He wants to both shout at me for being stupid and stay by my side until I am better.

I can tell he feels guilty too. But about what? Me? What did he do?

"You idiot" he practically whispers, sounding hurt. "I won't ask now but you have to tell me sometime, why..." he lets the last word hang in the air.

"Sorry" I answer, actually meaning it.

But he shakes his head. "You didn't mean it. You didn't know what you were doing" he tells himself, trying to make himself believe it. "I should have read the signs, known what you were going to do." he excuses.

I feel even worse now. He blames himself...for something I did. I want to comfort him, say something helpful but words fail me. How could I possibly make this up to him? Instead I say again "Sorry". This time for making him feel guilty. Not just hurt.

"I know" he says with a small smile. "Just work on getting better." he says, with hope.

I find myself feeding off that hope. "I will try" I manage.

He nods in approval.

"You better. We still need you, even if the world doesn't." Elizabeth says. She hides her concern better, but her eyes show she is upset too.

I nod, unable to form words.

They leave and Zelenka enters next. He looks scattered. He glares at me, muttering to himself in Czechs. I know enough to translate it to "You stupid bastard". He softens, "I came as soon as I heard. I...well you are a hard boss to work for but...well your good at what you do. You helped so many. Too many to go that way." he says.

I am surprised. A compliment? For me! And is he calling me...inspirational and valuable?

"You can't go like this. I know earth science is dull but you have to find purpose. Some other reason. Something else of value. And make them see its worth. Don't waste that brain." he orders, though his voice shakes.

"Like what?" I laugh coldly.

"There is always something" he says, ignoring my tone.

"I am no good with people, or kids, or a gun...I am no philanthropist either. I don't like the world enough to save it. I would be bored doing anything else." I say bitterly.

"Maybe" he concedes "but you can do other things. You must only find it." he says.

I don't believe him. Still he isn't an idiot. Thats more than I can say for most so its worth considering. So I nod. He smiles back.

The next visitors are Daniel and Sam. Both look a wreck.

Daniel sits by me, closer than any of the others dared. He grabs my hand, as if needing to know I am really there. "I'll be okay" I find myself saying in what is supposed to be comforting voice. I don't know why.

"I know" he says calmly "but you..." he tenses up, closing his eyes against an invisible force. A memory. Then it clicks.

"You found me" I say without thinking.

He flinches but nods. "Me and Carson did. We found -" he starts to say but I have to stop him.

I feel guilty again. How many times was I afraid that my team members were dead? I know its one of the most awful feelings. So I understand what I have done to him. "I didn't mean...I'm sorry you had to see that." I say.

"It was frightening. I thought no knowing was bad, but knowing is worse. Blood. So much blood. Looked dead, but Carson was...he saved you" he says, stumbling over his words. It shows just how bad he is hurting.

"Don't cry. I'll get better, I have too...just don't cry." I reply, feeling emotions I don't understand. I grab his hand, as if my own strength might be transferred over.

He gives me a small smile. "As long as you promise not to" he says, wiping away a tear I didn't know I was crying.

"Deal" I say.

Sam doesn't know what to say. Her eyes plead with me. She wants to know everything is okay and will be okay. I can't promise that.

She doesn't blame me, not even for hurting Daniel. She looks like she will explode in tears any moment.

It is quite for a few moments, then she grabs me in a hug and cries. I don't stop her, too stunned by just how much she actually cares.

They all care so much. That should make me want to stay…so why does it make me want to try again?


End file.
